I wrote my husband a letter last week telling him I wanted a divorce. I was nice about it though. I told him that if my status was 'single' I would be entitled to more benefits. I told him that since I couldn't find a job, I needed all the benefits I could get. I was worried about his reaction. He is quick tempered and I wanted this to be as clean as possible. I was nervous about him calling me rude names and saying uncalled-for things. Either way, I made the letter nice as possible, telling him how the boys were and how big they've gotten.
I received a letter from him this evening. Actually, two letters. One was dated before he got my letter. It was a nice letter, asking how the boys were. He then tells me that he doesn't want any men around the boys because he doesn't want them to know anyone else besides him as "daddy." He tried ordering me not to hang out with guys because 'it's just not right.' I read the next letter, dated after he received my divorce letter. He tells me that he is hurt by me wanting a divorce; that he is about to explode. He doesn't believe my reasonings for wanting the divorce either. "I hope you are doing this for the right thing, not just for money." I don't even know what that is supposed to mean.
HE's hurt? How about abandoning us and leaving me to raise our kids by myself? How about stealing from my family and me? What about all those times he disappeared on us and then would fight with me? Or putting us in danger more times than I can count? Those letters made me so angry. I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped talking to me altogether, even though we have kids together. It would make it easier. I'm writing him back tonight with a lot to say. He won't be happy, but I'm so frustrated with the fact he thinks HE's hurt.
Divorces are expensive. It's going to cost me $298 just to file. There's another $50 fee for something else. I'm also going to have to get a lawyer. Yay me. He's not even around me and I still have to pay for his stupidity.
Sorry, I'm just angry.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Chivalry is dead... Or is it?
I know of a lot of kids who are from divorced families. Some divorces were bad, others not so bad. Every divorce is hard whether it be because of the custody battle to follow or because one spouse does not want a divorce and ends up having no choice but to sign for one. Hearts are broken and lives ruined because of common excuses to end marriages. "Oh, we argue too much. I just can't handle it anymore." That is the dumbest excuse to end a marriage. That, to me, means miscommunication. I understand if the arguing lead to abuse; that is a reason to divorce. No one should be abused, ever.
Some parents don't understand the effect a divorce can have on a child. Some children grow up to think that divorce is an easy out. Some, like myself, think divorce is too easy. I would rather work out my problem with my significant other than say, "See ya!" Other kids think they were the reason for the divorce because the parents put the child in the middle. You can't make a child choose between his/her mother and father; that is putting way too much stress on a child who shouldn't be stressing over anything. Telling a child, "Choose who you want to live with," is like telling a child, 'Choose who you love more.'
After the divorce and custody battles are final, then comes new marriages, new step-parents. The main question younger children ask is "why is he/she better than mommy/daddy?" Parents don't understand how hard it is to see their parents split up and then with new people. The hardest thing for a child to accept is that daddy has moved on. Step-parents try so hard to get the child to accept them, most of the times they push the child away. Other step-parents are jealous of the child and will do everything to make their relationship with the parent more difficult. Then, there is the new task of what to call the step-parent. 'Should I call her mom or by her name?' Don't force a child to call a step-parent mommy or daddy. They are smart enough to know that it isn't their parent and they don't want to replace their mommy or daddy with someone they hardly know. Now, if the child is really young, you can most likely get away with that, especially if the biological parent isn't in the picture.
I know of a few people whose parents remarried and they get along with their step-parents wonderfully. Others don't quite have that luxury. As for me, I don't even talk to my stepmom. She's been in my life since I was 4 and still hasn't accepted the fact I'm my dad's first child. It's been a constant jealousy battle since I was 4. I have a friend who's stepdad is wonderful. Her mom and stepdad have no kids together. She married him with two kids and then had to get a hysterectomy. He sat by her side knowing he would never have a child to call his blood, yet treats his wife's children like his own. That is a good man. Not many men would stick around, especially if it meant they weren't going to have any children.
I didn't think, with my generation, that I would ever find anyone who was willing to accept the fact I have children, especially with a one year old and a two month old. I had grown to accept that I would be alone. But low and behold, I did meet someone. I didn't trust it at first, being who I am and watching way too many episodes of Criminal Minds. I've always had a fear of me falling for a pedophile or a serial killer (I know, I'm insane). But this guy is sweet, great with my boys, and has overlooked my 'baggage.' I still get nervous but there's nothing I can do about that. We shall see where this goes ;)
Some parents don't understand the effect a divorce can have on a child. Some children grow up to think that divorce is an easy out. Some, like myself, think divorce is too easy. I would rather work out my problem with my significant other than say, "See ya!" Other kids think they were the reason for the divorce because the parents put the child in the middle. You can't make a child choose between his/her mother and father; that is putting way too much stress on a child who shouldn't be stressing over anything. Telling a child, "Choose who you want to live with," is like telling a child, 'Choose who you love more.'
After the divorce and custody battles are final, then comes new marriages, new step-parents. The main question younger children ask is "why is he/she better than mommy/daddy?" Parents don't understand how hard it is to see their parents split up and then with new people. The hardest thing for a child to accept is that daddy has moved on. Step-parents try so hard to get the child to accept them, most of the times they push the child away. Other step-parents are jealous of the child and will do everything to make their relationship with the parent more difficult. Then, there is the new task of what to call the step-parent. 'Should I call her mom or by her name?' Don't force a child to call a step-parent mommy or daddy. They are smart enough to know that it isn't their parent and they don't want to replace their mommy or daddy with someone they hardly know. Now, if the child is really young, you can most likely get away with that, especially if the biological parent isn't in the picture.
I know of a few people whose parents remarried and they get along with their step-parents wonderfully. Others don't quite have that luxury. As for me, I don't even talk to my stepmom. She's been in my life since I was 4 and still hasn't accepted the fact I'm my dad's first child. It's been a constant jealousy battle since I was 4. I have a friend who's stepdad is wonderful. Her mom and stepdad have no kids together. She married him with two kids and then had to get a hysterectomy. He sat by her side knowing he would never have a child to call his blood, yet treats his wife's children like his own. That is a good man. Not many men would stick around, especially if it meant they weren't going to have any children.
I didn't think, with my generation, that I would ever find anyone who was willing to accept the fact I have children, especially with a one year old and a two month old. I had grown to accept that I would be alone. But low and behold, I did meet someone. I didn't trust it at first, being who I am and watching way too many episodes of Criminal Minds. I've always had a fear of me falling for a pedophile or a serial killer (I know, I'm insane). But this guy is sweet, great with my boys, and has overlooked my 'baggage.' I still get nervous but there's nothing I can do about that. We shall see where this goes ;)
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