You're hurt?

     I wrote my husband a letter last week telling him I wanted a divorce. I was nice about it though. I told him that if my status was 'single' I would be entitled to more benefits. I told him that since I couldn't find a job, I needed all the benefits I could get. I was worried about his reaction. He is quick tempered and I wanted this to be as clean as possible. I was nervous about him calling me rude names and saying uncalled-for things. Either way, I made the letter nice as possible, telling him how the boys were and how big they've gotten.
     I received a letter from him this evening. Actually, two letters. One was dated before he got my letter. It was a nice letter, asking how the boys were. He then tells me that he doesn't want any men around the boys because he doesn't want them to know anyone else besides him as "daddy." He tried ordering me not to hang out with guys because 'it's just not right.' I read the next letter, dated after he received my divorce letter. He tells me that he is hurt by me wanting a divorce; that he is about to explode. He doesn't believe my reasonings for wanting the divorce either. "I hope you are doing this for the right thing, not just for money." I don't even know what that is supposed to mean.
     HE's hurt? How about abandoning us and leaving me to raise our kids by myself? How about stealing from my family and me? What about all those times he disappeared on us and then would fight with me? Or putting us in danger more times than I can count? Those letters made me so angry. I wouldn't be surprised if he stopped talking to me altogether, even though we have kids together. It would make it easier. I'm writing him back tonight with a lot to say. He won't be happy, but I'm so frustrated with the fact he thinks HE's hurt.
     Divorces are expensive. It's going to cost me $298 just to file. There's another $50 fee for something else. I'm also going to have to get a lawyer. Yay me. He's not even around me and I still have to pay for his stupidity.
Sorry, I'm just angry.

Chivalry is dead... Or is it?

     I know of a lot of kids who are from divorced families. Some divorces were bad, others not so bad.         Every divorce is hard whether it be because of the custody battle to follow or because one spouse does not want a divorce and ends up having no choice but to sign for one. Hearts are broken and lives ruined because of common excuses to end marriages. "Oh, we argue too much. I just can't handle it anymore." That is the dumbest excuse to end a marriage. That, to me, means miscommunication. I understand if the arguing lead to abuse; that is a reason to divorce. No one should be abused, ever.
     Some parents don't understand the effect a divorce can have on a child. Some children grow up to think that divorce is an easy out. Some, like myself, think divorce is too easy. I would rather work out my problem with my significant other than say, "See ya!" Other kids think they were the reason for the divorce because the parents put the child in the middle. You can't make a child choose between his/her mother and father; that is putting way too much stress on a child who shouldn't be stressing over anything. Telling a child, "Choose who you want to live with," is like telling a child, 'Choose who you love more.'
     After the divorce and custody battles are final, then comes new marriages, new step-parents. The main question younger children ask is "why is he/she better than mommy/daddy?" Parents don't understand how hard it is to see their parents split up and then with new people. The hardest thing for a child to accept is that daddy has moved on. Step-parents try so hard to get the child to accept them, most of the times they push the child away. Other step-parents are jealous of the child and will do everything to make their relationship with the parent more difficult. Then, there is the new task of what to call the step-parent. 'Should I call her mom or by her name?' Don't force a child to call a step-parent mommy or daddy. They are smart enough to know that it isn't their parent and they don't want to replace their mommy or daddy with someone they hardly know. Now, if the child is really young, you can most likely get away with that, especially if the biological parent isn't in the picture.
     I know of a few people whose parents remarried and they get along with their step-parents wonderfully. Others don't quite have that luxury. As for me, I don't even talk to my stepmom. She's been in my life since I was 4 and still hasn't accepted the fact I'm my dad's first child. It's been a constant jealousy battle since I was 4. I have a friend who's stepdad is wonderful. Her mom and stepdad have no kids together. She married him with two kids and then had to get a hysterectomy. He sat by her side knowing he would never have a child to call his blood, yet treats his wife's children like his own. That is a good man. Not many men would stick around, especially if it meant they weren't going to have any children.
     I didn't think, with my generation, that I would ever find anyone who was willing to accept the fact I have children, especially with a one year old and a two month old. I had grown to accept that I would be alone. But low and behold, I did meet someone. I didn't trust it at first, being who I am and watching way too many episodes of Criminal Minds. I've always had a fear of me falling for a pedophile or a serial killer (I know, I'm insane). But this guy is sweet, great with my boys, and has overlooked my 'baggage.' I still get nervous but there's nothing I can do about that. We shall see where this goes ;)

What do I tell them?

     Raising kids while your husband's in jail is no piece of cake. I've said it one too many times. Unfortunately, NOT saying it doesn't make the problems go away. I had to work throughout both of my pregnancies. I've worked hard and gotten no where. I went to a vocational school only to work for a company that decided not to pay me what I worked for. I'm trying to find a job now and having no luck. I'm playing Mommy AND Daddy singlehandedly.

     Every day I wonder what I'm going to tell my boys when they realize that other people have daddies that play with them, go to the park with them, teach them how to throw a ball, etc. I've prepared miniature speeches in my head, trying to prepare myself. I can't say, "Oh, your daddy didn't care about us and decided the drugs were more important." I can't say, "Your dad was stupid and did stupid things." I can't say, "You don't have a father." (ha ha) 

     I don't want to tell them information that will hurt their feelings. I don't want to tell them that daddy DIDN'T care because that would hurt them and make them resentful. But I can't lie to them. As I've gotten older (I'm not saying I'm old), I notice younger generations getting more technologically savvy at earlier ages. It won't be too long before they figure out they can look up their daddy's name online and see the long list of charges. Craig is named after his father. It won't be long until he realizes that. 

     With this divorce I have thought a lot about what I'm going to do. I'm not taking rights away from him. However, I will not trust him with the kids for a long time and will request supervised visitation whenever the custody agreements come about. I am going to show them pictures of them when they start to notice his absence. I will tell them to draw pictures and such for him. I want this to be a clean, nice divorce. There are too many people who get 'ghetto' or feel they need to create drama for no good reason. I'd rather it be peaceful, but I can't expect it.
     For now,  I will be in charge of teaching them how to throw, fish, take them to the park, and play with them. My question will remain lingering in the back of my brain... 

What exactly do I tell them?     

Diapers and Divorce.

     I wake up, bring Craig downstairs, change his diaper, and feed him breakfast. While he is eating, I quickly go back upstairs to get Remington, change his diaper, and put him in his swing. By the time Craig is finished with his breakfast, Remington is hungry. So I juggle breastfeeding Remington while Craig is trying his best to get my attention. I put on the tv and it distracts him for about 3 minutes.
When one kid has a dirty diaper, I change it. Then the other kid will have one. Today Craig decided to rip off his diaper in his crib... While there was poop in it. Poop was EVERY where. So I had more work to do today.
     Raising these kids by myself is the hardest thing I've ever done. Between the two of their needs, I hardly have time to sleep, eat, shower, or even pee. I have mixed emotions about everything. I get sad when I think about these boys growing up without their father. Then I get angry about it. After that, I decide I'd rather them grow up without him, than with him and see the drugs.
     For quite awhile now, I've debated whether or not to stay with him. Things have been running through my head and it's causing my sleep to become non existent.  The more I think about it, the sicker I feel.  I've come to the conclusion that a divorce is the best way to go. He'll be madder than Hell but I can't continue to be expected to live for him when he disregarded Craig's and my safety when we were with him. I'm the one changing the diapers, feeding them, being broke, trying to find babysitters last minute, trying to find a job, and doing everything else I need to do. I haven't gone out with friends, I haven't even really made friends, and my emotions are suffering because of it. I feel as if I'm stuck in a rut and will continue to be as long as I'm married to him.  I have a huge weight on my shoulders and it's time to throw it off. Wish me luck! :)

Breast milk is the liquid gold

     I know people complain about breastfeeding moms flaunting their pride. But there is a reason they do. It takes hard work to breastfeed. Breast milk IS the liquid gold. I have done research on ways you can use breast milk for both you and your child(ren).
     Doctors recommend breastfeeding your children at least up to a year while exclusively breastfeeding for 6 months. It has been known to decrease chances of breast and ovarian cancers while also contracting your uterus faster than if you were formula feeding. I have used breast milk to try and reduce the appearance of stretch marks. I apply it topically over my stretch marks at least twice a day and I have already found they've gotten lighter. They supposedly help with scars too. It also helps relax you. I've found myself so relaxed after breastfeeding that I can curl myself up in covers and snooze. It can also clear up acne, help chapped lips, and decrease red eye puffiness.
     What is breast milk made of? Our breast milk is made of two kinds of proteins whey and casein. The perfect balance between the two create an easy-to-digest, infection fighting power milk. It also has secretory IgA that helps fight off bacteria, such as E. Coli, that you and your child may be exposed to. It has the perfect balance of proteins, fats, vitamins, and carbs that are essential to the baby's health and brain development.
     While researching many different ways to use breast milk, I came across a website www.codenamemama.com . It has 58 uses for breast milk. 58!!!!! Some are a little weird while others are fascinating. The author categorizes these uses by medicinal, cosmetic, consumption, and "everything else." I highly suggest breastfeeding mothers take a look at this website and if there are other uses you are aware of, please comment!

Time to get rid of this formula

    My older son, Craig, just turned a year old on the 17th of April. That means he can stop having formula. Trying to get him off of the formula is much harder than I thought it would be. I have made my first mistake as a mom; putting him to bed with a bottle. That's how he knows he's going to bed; he takes a bath, then I make the bottle. So now I have to do two things at once: Get him off of formula and stop the bottle in the bed thing. But I'm going to do one thing at a time. So far, I have been putting 4 ounces of formula mixed with regular milk. I'm gonna keep going with smaller amounts of formula until he is on just regular milk. Hopefully that will work. And if it does, then I can go with just giving him water at bed time because he does get thirsty during the night.
    Craig has been eating solid foods for several months now. He loves spaghetti, ravioli, green beans, broccoli, beef stew, fruits,  and chocolate. He can't get enough of chocolate. He has a very strange fondness for 'Hot Fries' as well. Surprisingly enough, he's not a big fan of macaroni and cheese. As I'm giving him different foods every day, I've found he'll eat just about anything especially if I eat it. He isn't too proficient with forks and spoons but he tries to use them. When he's had enough struggling, the eating utensil meets the floor and his food meets everywhere else.
     If you are a formula feeding mom and have this same problem, here is a website that can give you ideas and tips for weaning them off of formula! Good luck!

www.livestrong.com

I'm a secondary breastfeeder.

     My first son, Craig, had jaundice when he was born. His levels were so high that he needed to be supplemented, as my milk hadn't come in yet. I tried everything to get my milk to come in faster and to have more so I could continue to breastfeed but by the time my milk came in, he wouldn't latch. He refused the boob because a bottle was easier for him. It was the worst feeling to not be able to do the ONE thing I was naturally SUPPOSED to do. It made me depressed because I was looking forward to the bonding. So Craig has been a formula fed baby. He is a mama's boy either way, which is great. Remington, my two month old, is my breastfed baby. I call myself a secondary breastfeeding mommy because I knew what to expect this time around and even though it's a constant struggle, I have been keeping at it.  Believe me, it would be SO much easier to just stick a bottle in his mouth and be like, "There ya go," but I want him breastfed. We are both doing well at it and he is SO big. 7 weeks old and 11 pounds, 8 ounces, and 23 inches (he was only 7pounds 10 ounces, 20 inches at birth).

     Remington was a C-section baby. I applaud all women out there who elect to have their babies naturally at birthing centers or at home with no epidural. Y'all are brave. With Craig, I had him vaginally, with an epidural, and I had two second degree tears and another tear that couldn't be stitched up. I had two sets of stitches, very painful might I add, and he was only 6 pounds, 5 ounces! So I told my doctor that I wanted a C-section this time. He tried to scare me out of it, but I just knew it was the right thing to do. I don't know HOW I knew, but I just knew. When he was born, my doctor told me I had made a good call because I wouldn't have been able to have him vaginally. 

     I am one of those proud breast feeding mothers that would yell at you if you tried to tell me I can't breastfeed in public. I don't usually, but if I need to, I'm going to. Without a cover. You don't like it? Look away. Just recently, I read something bashing mothers (from a mother), saying "No one wants to see that, you're a mother, cover up!" I think it's absolutely disgusting and disrespectful to tell women they should cover up. I also hear that women are taking pictures of them breastfeeding, "with their boob hanging out." Good for you! We need to show society that boobs should not be taken as JUST sexual organs. Sure, guys are obsessed with boobs and that's fine. But we have boobs for our children. They are a natural food source and the best food source. To tell us that we should cover up, and to "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!" is just creating more hysteria and furthering the sexuality of something that is natural and God-given. So here is my response to the breastfeeding issues on cover-ups:

Remington <3